Does it Ever Get Easier?

The Last Day

I can't explain how it feels to be in my shoes through this recession.  At times I have felt that I have done everything right.  But at this moment I have lost everything it seems and to get any of it back almost feels impossible.  I know I have to get myself out of this for the sake of my 2 boys but I don't know how....... I had both my children very, very young and I was blessed by being able to graduate High School with a 1 1/2 year old and then right out of High School I got pregnant again, so yes I am a teen mom or would be considered that except not I am a mother of 2 boys Justin who turned 13 in Dec. and Marcus who is 10 almost 11 in June.  I thought at one point I had it all planned out.  But some plans did take a different road and losing my job felt like I lost it all.  I have raised my children by myself.  I have never received child support for my youngest and my oldest he didn't start paying until my son was 7.  So it was a struggle  being so young with 2 little boys but at least when they were little they didn't feel the stress of what was going on around them.

I was a practice manager for a Dr. and was doing really well for once in my life I was able to provide for them and I enjoyed being able to do things I never once was able too.  But like they say all good things come to an end.  While working I bought a brand new car nothing fancy just a Honda Civic '07, I let my oldest pick out the color because once I had it paid off the car was going to go to him.  Never having a credit card I had a really high interest rate but I didn't think twice working I was able to afford $479.80 a month.  I know that sounds ridiculous but I wanted to give something to my son that I knew I took care of.  Well on January 6, 2011 and 41 payments later I know longer could make that payments searching high and low for a job I just couldn't find someone who would hire me without having the College Degree.  So away my car went and it happened to be a day that my children were home.  I was showering and a knock was on the bathroom door and it wasn't that normal knock.  My oldest said Mommy there is a man at the door and he has your car.  So I quickly got out and threw pajamas on and gave him the keys and he gave me my plates.  I pretty much had it emptied out because I knew the day would come, I couldn't afford the payments.  It's not that I didn't work I did a few temp jobs and at Christmas I worked for JCPenney but $7.75 wasn't going to catch me up and once the holidays were over so was the job.

I am probably blabbing and I don't even know if it makes sense all of this it's pretty much the first time I have been able to come to terms that my car that I took care of and wanted to give to my son is gone.  Auctioned off on February 18, 2011.  I just don't know yet what it was sold for I haven't yet to receive the letter.  I am devastated.  I feel like a prisoner.
I live with a man who fell out of love with me as soon as I lost my job and has wanted me to leave our house as soon as I couldn't split the bills.  I think the only thing that saves me from being in a shelter is I made sure my name was on the deed when the house was bought 4 years ago.  I needed that security for my children.  I literally live with someone who has know feelings for me or this situation.  But he will be buying a brand new car within the next month which stings that I don't have a car, I don't drive his and I am truly stuck in this house 24/7 without family or even a true friend.
I thought I had hit bottoms before but I nothing feels the way it does now.  I still have dreams and I am almost 30.  I wish to go back to college, I realize trade schools only get you so far but I don't want to be effected in the next recession.  I know I need the education I never could get because I was raising 2 little boys 24/7...... I have know regrets but being young you don't realize they will always remember these struggles and if they were 2 they wouldn't remember if I lost my car but they will now.  They told me they were embarrassed because they felt poor.  I do feel poor.  I can't take my kids to where they need to go and they aren't able to play sports this season because I can't commit to depending on anyone. 
I know God doesn't give us things we can't handle but it's been almost 2 months since I lost my car and I am beginning to feel really, really sad.  I don't know how I am going to get out of this and have a car.
I am lost........... ~EMC