Yesterday was just an awful day for me, I guess there will be days like that. But this morning really hit home, I pretty much went to bed crying woke at 2:30 am crying and didn't get myself back to sleep until 6:00 am~I just remember seeing the sun starting to rise. I couldn't sleep he left last night around 9:30 to go to the bar with his brother. After he drove away was when I got the text so I guess we are back to the old him going out every chance he gets. It's like instead of mending whats broke he would rather torture and twist my heart more. I never understood why I am never invited out with him or why we can never just get a cup of coffee and go on a date like sit by the water and talk about how this has fallen apart but instead he would rather be with his friends. He would rather help everyone and get help from everyone but me. To his I am worthless.
This morning was really hard, I knew he was getting a brand new car 2011 Genesis and he mentioned he would allow me to have his old car, mind you he was kind of put on the spot by friends so I think him saying NO would of made him feel like a jerk. So I knew there were somethings wrong with it and with my Poppie being in the Service Station for a lifetime and still at 76 retired from his Sunoco he still works out in Princeton. I told him what was wrong with his car and he offered me a great solution. It's not like I travel far just a car for emergency until I can save to get myself something better. Well he changed his mind, he said why should he give me a car he paid for. And again being 30 he has his Mommy in tote to Co-Sign and keep him on her insurance and I once again feel like the fool for thinking he would do something generous for me. I think it's at the point that he wants to just see me stuck. Stuck in the house, stuck having to beg for things not being able to take care of the kids the way a mother should be able too. I am just completely lost and hurt again.
I feel like I have no solutions at this point. Through our heated fights he says things like there's a bike in the garage ride it. Or take a cab meanwhile it would be some unrealistic price to take a cab. The food store was something we did every weekend and after him telling me he feeling he is my cab driver I just don't want to be apart of him feeling forced to have to do anything for me. I had a really sad weekend. The kids went away and you would think that 2 people would of enjoyed that time without them but not us we live separate lives and he is just done to his standards of not loving someone like me. I never knew you give up because of struggles, to me it should be when you fight harder and don't let the chaos get in the way. But he is so blinded by what needs I might have and just can't help. It's virtually impossible for him to try to have that family time or to want it. He feels his biological family is his family and that's that.
Today is now Monday, I started writing this on Friday but struggled to get the words out, I know that is will get better and I know that I will survive this. But God can you give that man compassion when I am on my knees just needing to be hugged. Does he think I like this feeling? ~EMC
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