I know that I am depressed I go from one pair of pajamas to another and look at all those clothes and shoes I don't wear. I don't know what is the highlight of my day. Normally it's cooking for my family but I have to say that I am beginning to drag to do that. I don't want to feel this way or be this person that feels so stuck, like there is not a way out to even get things I need for the house. I hate having to depend on him. I just feel sometimes it would be nice if he noticed things are running low or gone that maybe just maybe he would walk in the door from work with bread or milk...... Or better yet maybe just a simple question on his way home from work is there anything the house needs or you need. But not once in 2 months has he asked me that. I guess I can't hold my breath. Not to say he is not willing to get what I need when I ask but seriously do I always have to ask?? He makes lunch everyday, I don't eat bread why wouldn't he just do it. He is so willing to help everyone but the people he lives with. Should I always have to ask?
Today I actually got ready and showered at a normal time but for some reason it's just the day, I haven't cried all week but I can't say that it doesn't hurt. I am just so sad. I asked him today if he could take me somewhere and it came off as though he is my personal cab driver. Literally he takes me to the food store, to a hair appointment and to the pharmacy. I had an appointment that I made and him knowing that I had it. It just hurts to feel I have not one person who can do something for me and not make me feel like I have made an inconvenience. Wait I do have 1 person my dad and I know if he was closer to me he would try and help me a lot more then living so far away so it makes it difficult to not have that person in my life closer to help me.
I am beginning to wonder is it okay to need help at times or should I feel this way. Like a loser? I sacrificed so much for this person and he quickly has forgotten and has made me feel really sad. It's been 2 weeks since I left this house, I went for a walk last weekend but I haven't done anything fun. I haven't been out, I don't even know what good songs are on the radio. I feel so shut off from the outside and it is hurting more then I can hold inside. I can play pretend everyday and make dinner, clean but it doesn't hide the fact that inside I feel like I completely failed as a mother, woman and just as a person.
When will happiness come? I know I am the only one that can make that happen but what is the way to it? I am crumbling in tears trying to figure a way out. ~EMC
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