Just When It Feels OK It Feels The Same

I haven't written in a day or so had an errand to run the other day and am not so familiar with having to take Taxi Cabs but I did.  So I called the night before to order a cab and she told me $18.00.  I just couldn't believe the cost or that she didn't have a flat rate to your house is this..... and every mile is this..... But whatever desperate I used this woman.  Literally she pulled up to my house at 8 am and the bumper of this white car, the cab smelling gross she told me that because of gas prices going up it would be $20.00 and she was sorry she forgot.  So she had the miles clocked and I literally when 1.8 miles and she charged me $20.00 and then I needed to be picked up so I get in the cab and she tells me that this is her own business she has been running for 16 years and I think to myself then why would you of forgotten that you raised your rates????  What because I am a first time/last time customer.  When she dropped me off  to my home again another $20.00 for taking me 3.6 miles.  I just find that to of made me really sick to my stomach.  I am easy to be taken advantage of and really I have nothing but I will let people squeeze everything out of me.
Yesterday I got a notice from DMV about the plates, etc.  But to make the long story short there was a fine involved because I didn't return everything to DMV by the 28th of February so I called Trenton this morning and Fran was a sweetheart she explained everything would be lifted since the car was sold before the 28th of February and hadn't been in my possession, but I need to go to Eatontown to take care of the fine lifting all agencies are not able to do what I guess the main agencies can do.  So he was going to take me to DMV tonight but to the local one and I called him at 8:45 am and explained everything was fine and just that I need to take the paperwork and bring everything to Eatontown.  I don't know why I set myself up for disappointment but I did it's like he can't handle doing that for me.  Friday he has a luncheon with his coworkers, fine.  I mentioned Saturday and got oh do you know how busy they will be, blah blah blah, but you know what I would wait hours for him if I had to.  It's about sacrifices he is unwilling to make and I have to say it just shut down my day, feeling fed up and not having a single soul to count on just has started to open my eyes and scare me even more.  Makes me sad, I wish I just had the support that someone deserves when they are going through tough times.  But I really only have me and that's it.
The kids are doing good.  Tonight is Parent/Teacher for my oldest and I had asked him if he could drop me off and pick me up when I was done and he did say he could  but at this point I don't want anything from him I feel let down like he picks and choices what he feels like and the rest he has a great way of making me feel like a complete idiot.  So I just sent him a message and said thank you for offering to take me but I am ok for P/T.  His response was you found a ride (LOL) or your not going.  I just said not going.  He asked why.  I said it doesn't matter.  I am in that mood again where I want to shut this world out. 
I have helped so many and to a person that helps everyone else but when I ask for his help it's either ok, I guess and then later thrown in my face and it really, really hurts.  I guess it's time to just want nothing from him and figure how to handle this without him.

My Nannie, My Angel XoXo

In 3 day will be the 3 years annivesary of losing my Nannie, I sometimes feel like if she was still hre things would be different.  I will never forget her last words as she struggled to say them "I Love You Too", As I sat next to her being so sick and incoherient I told her I Loved Her and she never ever would of not said it back.  I will never forget my last hours with the most special woman who touched my heart.  Nannie I miss you and wish you were still here but I know you are an angel, MY ANGEL. ~EMC

I Have To Get Through This.......

Yesterday was just an awful day for me, I guess there will be days like that.  But this morning really hit home, I pretty much went to bed crying woke at 2:30 am crying and didn't get myself back to sleep until 6:00 am~I just remember seeing the sun starting to rise.  I couldn't sleep he left last night around 9:30 to go to the bar with his brother.  After he drove away was when I got the text so I guess we are back to the old him going out every chance he gets.  It's like instead of mending whats broke he would rather torture and twist my heart more.  I never understood why I am never invited out with him or why we can never just get a cup of coffee and go on a date like sit by the water and talk about how this has fallen apart but instead he would rather be with his friends.  He would rather help everyone and get help from everyone but me.  To his I am worthless.
This morning was really hard, I knew he was getting a brand new car 2011 Genesis and he mentioned he would allow me to have his old car, mind you he was kind of put on the spot by friends so I think him saying NO would of made him feel like a jerk.  So I knew there were somethings wrong with it and with my Poppie being in the Service Station for a lifetime and still at 76 retired from his Sunoco he still works out in Princeton.  I told him what was wrong with his car and he offered me a great solution.  It's not like I travel far just a car for emergency until I can save to get myself something better.  Well he changed his mind, he said why should he give me a car he paid for.  And again being 30 he has his Mommy in tote to Co-Sign and keep him on her insurance and I once again feel like the fool for thinking he would do something generous for me.  I think it's at the point that he wants to just see me stuck.  Stuck in the house, stuck having to beg for things not being able to take care of the kids the way a mother should be able too.  I am just completely lost and hurt again.
I feel like I have no solutions at this point.  Through our heated fights he says things like there's a bike in the garage ride it.  Or take a cab meanwhile it would be some unrealistic price to take a cab.  The food store was something we did every weekend and after him telling me he feeling he is my cab driver I just don't want to be apart of him feeling forced to have to do anything for me.  I had a really sad weekend.  The kids went away and you would think that 2 people would of enjoyed that time without them but not us we live separate lives and he is just done to his standards of not loving someone like me.  I never knew you give up because of struggles, to me it should be when you fight harder and don't let the chaos get in the way. But he is so blinded by what needs I might have and just can't help.  It's virtually impossible for him to try to have that family time or to want it.  He feels his biological family is his family and that's that.
Today is now Monday, I started writing this on Friday but struggled to get the words out, I know that is will get better and I know that I will survive this.  But God can you give that man compassion when I am on my knees just needing to be hugged.  Does he think I like this feeling? ~EMC

What's The Way

I know that I am depressed I go from one pair of pajamas to another and look at all those clothes and shoes I don't wear.  I don't know what is the highlight of my day.  Normally it's cooking for my family but I have to say that I am beginning to drag to do that.  I don't want to feel this way or be this person that feels so stuck, like there is not a way out to even get things I need for the house.  I hate having to depend on him.  I just feel sometimes it would be nice if he noticed things are running low or gone that maybe just maybe he would walk in the door from work with bread or milk...... Or better yet maybe just a simple question on his way home from work is there anything the house needs or you need.  But not once in 2 months has he asked me that.  I guess I can't hold my breath.  Not to say he is not willing to get what I need when I ask but seriously do I always have to ask??  He makes lunch everyday, I don't eat bread why wouldn't he just do it.  He is so willing to help everyone but the people he lives with.  Should I always have to ask?
Today I actually got ready and showered at a normal time but for some reason it's just the day, I haven't cried all week but I can't say that it doesn't hurt.  I am just so sad.  I asked him today if he could take me somewhere and it came off as though he is my personal cab driver.  Literally he takes me to the food store, to a hair appointment and to the pharmacy.  I had an appointment that I made and him knowing that I had it.  It just hurts to feel I have not one person who can do something for me and not make me feel  like I have made an inconvenience.  Wait I do have 1 person my dad and I know if he was closer to me he would try and help me a lot more then living so far away so it makes it difficult to not have that person in my life closer to help me. 
I am beginning to wonder is it okay to need help at times or should I feel this way.  Like a loser?  I sacrificed so much for this person and he quickly has forgotten and has made me feel really sad.  It's been 2 weeks since I left this house, I went for a walk last weekend but I haven't done anything fun.  I haven't been out, I don't even know what good songs are on the radio.  I feel so shut off from the outside and it is hurting more then I can hold inside.  I can play pretend everyday and make dinner, clean but it doesn't hide the fact that inside I feel like I completely failed as a mother, woman and just as a person.
When will happiness come?  I know I am the only one that can make that happen but what is the way to it?  I am crumbling in tears trying to figure a way out. ~EMC

Sick and Stuck

It's a constant reminder of what you don't have when the school calls not even 30 minutes into the day and says my son has a fever.  I say to myself why would he go to school and not say he wasn't feeling well??? God will only know that answer but now I sit and panic on how am I going to get him without a car.  It's the worst feeling knowing I don't have dependable people to rely on and the one friend I do ignores the text as if she can't understand why I would ask her for help.  Thank God for his Aunt she happened to be home from work not feeling well herself and came and got me so I could get him. 

My little Marcus

I just don't ask people for much and it's sad when you do so much for friends and when you need a favor or are in a bind it's a different story.  But you are always there for them.  I think I need to start picking the people I choose in my life a little better.

Well the good news is my little boy is home resting on the couch and he didn't have to wait long for me.  I don't feel sorry for myself I know that this is a situation that I will one day look back at and know I will get through this and any other side roads God puts in my path.  I just want to be there for my children.  And right not it's not me I feel sorry for it's them.  They are the ones that know I don't have a way to get them here or there.  And I don't want them to feel like they are a burden because they need things too.  I love them and I want them to know I fight everyday to just keep going and know that one day it will all get better.  When they day will come God is the only one that knows the answer.~EMC

Does it Ever Get Easier?

The Last Day

I can't explain how it feels to be in my shoes through this recession.  At times I have felt that I have done everything right.  But at this moment I have lost everything it seems and to get any of it back almost feels impossible.  I know I have to get myself out of this for the sake of my 2 boys but I don't know how....... I had both my children very, very young and I was blessed by being able to graduate High School with a 1 1/2 year old and then right out of High School I got pregnant again, so yes I am a teen mom or would be considered that except not I am a mother of 2 boys Justin who turned 13 in Dec. and Marcus who is 10 almost 11 in June.  I thought at one point I had it all planned out.  But some plans did take a different road and losing my job felt like I lost it all.  I have raised my children by myself.  I have never received child support for my youngest and my oldest he didn't start paying until my son was 7.  So it was a struggle  being so young with 2 little boys but at least when they were little they didn't feel the stress of what was going on around them.

I was a practice manager for a Dr. and was doing really well for once in my life I was able to provide for them and I enjoyed being able to do things I never once was able too.  But like they say all good things come to an end.  While working I bought a brand new car nothing fancy just a Honda Civic '07, I let my oldest pick out the color because once I had it paid off the car was going to go to him.  Never having a credit card I had a really high interest rate but I didn't think twice working I was able to afford $479.80 a month.  I know that sounds ridiculous but I wanted to give something to my son that I knew I took care of.  Well on January 6, 2011 and 41 payments later I know longer could make that payments searching high and low for a job I just couldn't find someone who would hire me without having the College Degree.  So away my car went and it happened to be a day that my children were home.  I was showering and a knock was on the bathroom door and it wasn't that normal knock.  My oldest said Mommy there is a man at the door and he has your car.  So I quickly got out and threw pajamas on and gave him the keys and he gave me my plates.  I pretty much had it emptied out because I knew the day would come, I couldn't afford the payments.  It's not that I didn't work I did a few temp jobs and at Christmas I worked for JCPenney but $7.75 wasn't going to catch me up and once the holidays were over so was the job.

I am probably blabbing and I don't even know if it makes sense all of this it's pretty much the first time I have been able to come to terms that my car that I took care of and wanted to give to my son is gone.  Auctioned off on February 18, 2011.  I just don't know yet what it was sold for I haven't yet to receive the letter.  I am devastated.  I feel like a prisoner.
I live with a man who fell out of love with me as soon as I lost my job and has wanted me to leave our house as soon as I couldn't split the bills.  I think the only thing that saves me from being in a shelter is I made sure my name was on the deed when the house was bought 4 years ago.  I needed that security for my children.  I literally live with someone who has know feelings for me or this situation.  But he will be buying a brand new car within the next month which stings that I don't have a car, I don't drive his and I am truly stuck in this house 24/7 without family or even a true friend.
I thought I had hit bottoms before but I nothing feels the way it does now.  I still have dreams and I am almost 30.  I wish to go back to college, I realize trade schools only get you so far but I don't want to be effected in the next recession.  I know I need the education I never could get because I was raising 2 little boys 24/7...... I have know regrets but being young you don't realize they will always remember these struggles and if they were 2 they wouldn't remember if I lost my car but they will now.  They told me they were embarrassed because they felt poor.  I do feel poor.  I can't take my kids to where they need to go and they aren't able to play sports this season because I can't commit to depending on anyone. 
I know God doesn't give us things we can't handle but it's been almost 2 months since I lost my car and I am beginning to feel really, really sad.  I don't know how I am going to get out of this and have a car.
I am lost........... ~EMC